the past few days have been absolutely different and they feel like a blur... but i'll do what i can to recap. i'm not so good at remember when everything is a blur... but i will try anyway.

FRIDAY: i was up at 9am... oh lord that is EARLY. i freaked out for awhile... called aya and was like "dude... we need to get coffee and sit on my bench NOW!" i just had too much going on in my mind. we went to the movies on base and watched duplicity and i love you man... i really wasn't paying too much attention because i had something else on my mind. then we met up with paul for tacos... that was nice.  :)

SATURDAY: ugh... after dealing with some shit, i watched tv alone in my living room until about 7pm. decided to shower. asked paul if he wanted to smoke hookah with me. picked up aya after i got paul and we headed to cairo's. chilled with the gang while smoking. took aya home, then paul and i went back to my house and started watching the ringer. took him back to his ship about an hour ago.

i'm actually getting really tired now. fuck.

so i've come to realize that i haven't really blogged lately. i guess i should do that now that i have a ton of extra time this early in the morning...

things with evan came to a fall out. in the end, it was my turn to back down from the relationship. he took it harder than i did when he backed out the first time. basically he told me that i was a whore and all i did was get my revenge for last time. not true. i'm not a whore no matter how much i say that i am. also, i really do genuinely care for him, but the fact that he is so far away, i can't establish an intimate relationship with him at all. so i decided to save us both and basically just step away. with things that i'm going through, it's better to have someone who's here and close that i can be around or nothing at all. so there is that... and in the back of my mind, i know that he'll end up coming back in the future, no matter how pissed he says he is, and ask for yet another chance. depending on where i am in my life, i may not take him back... mostly because i just don't feel it for him like i used to... there was a time where i honestly thought to myself, "damn, i'm gonna marry this kid." but as time went on, i've come to see that i'm not as sure about it as i used to be. change is always for the better.

on sunday my uncle had a stroke. i'm actually really close to this uncle. but i don't think anyone can understand that i'm not really ready to visit him in the hospital. i don't like seeing people that way at all... and considering my most recent loss, i get flashbacks from even being in a hospital and i don't think i can handle that. i went once and literally went into this shell to protect myself though all i really honestly needed was to cry. i'm like that... i won't cry in front of people i really completely care about. i don't want people to see me suffer. however, i ran to a person i know i shouldn't have run to and cried my eyes out for two hours. good job me. now... i think i'm avoiding everything. hospital-wise of course.

now onto better things... last night was rather amazing and to wake up feeling like it was all a dream made it even better... mostly because when i got the proof that it really wasn't a dream i nearly stopped breathing. haha i am a dork. really, i am. i went to the 32nd street naval base bowling alley last night and that was pretty awesome. first, this one group of guys came up to me and aya and started trying to ask us our information... what we were doing, what we were into... things like that. i blew them off though aya thought they were funny. then a guy i was basically eyeing all night... i said hi to him and he came and sat with me and we watched the lakers game. he was very cool. his friends came over to our table. one of his friends likes aya. SHWEET! lmao... and we all ended up talking for a good while. we get out of the bowling alley and the guy that likes aya just starts texting her RIGHT WHEN WE GET IN THE CAR. drive past them on base and go to shelter island to relax. we get there and i automatically make the first move sending the guy i was attracted to, "fact: i find you rather attractive." similar format, not the exact words. he texted back with, "i find you rather attractive too." again, not the exact words but you geet the idea. they ended up driving all the way up to shelter island to spend time with us and i thought that was pretty awesome. they treated us to denny's which i thought was really sweet since guys kinda lost the whole chivalry thing and that happens to be a major turn on for me. lmao. *pauses to take a text from said guy.* okayyyy... but yeah so we all spent time at denny's and it was pretty fun... i managed to meet a guy and have a first date in under... 4 hours... i would think that's some kind of record. and yes, it was a date. usually i don't know... lol but it followed every guideline. never kiss&tell. we're ending this section now.

today should be somewhat eventful. i'm supposed to see the guy again... he gets off work at 2pm or so... then aya and i MUST hit up a post office and go to north island for the movie theater because she believes her wallet is there. we have to find a way to have money for gas without asking my parents because they're getting mad because i drive so much... but idk... i barely just woke up... for all of you that really know me, it means i woke up an hour ago and am still brain dead... i'm going to lay around some more.

i am pissed as fuck. 

so what is there to do with yourself... when you hate who you've become...

it is one of those nights again... one of those nights where i'm just so so sooooo tired but can't sleep for some stupid random reason. tonight, the reason is pain. and i'm having crazy thoughts that i really shouldn't be having. i don't really know how to describe how i feel right now... i don't think there is a way to describe it. i guess i'll just talk about my boring, routine day.

i woke up this morning at around 9am... i, being the computer whore that i am, logged into my twitter and left a message of what i'm doing... well... there's that... the link to my twitter will be at the bottom of this entry. i texted xelia checking if she was awake. she was. i showered and drove to pick her up. we went to starbucks and grabbed some coffee, then went back to her place. we talked, we watched tv, we sat on her laptop. typical things. i went and picked up aya, my trusty partner in crime. we went to MCRD... yes... same old deal... haha. then we went to north island to watch a movie. yeah... again... same old deal... but we ran into someone. and then left right after, where we proceeded to fulfill our taco craving... delicious. haha

i blacked out and then realized... i'm at home. and in pain.

http://twitter.com/ramenhotpockets

things seem so repetative these days. seriously. all i do is go to MCRD for coffee and a walk... then go to NASNI to watch a movie. that is sad because it is EVERYDAY. so tomorrow i'm tossing it up a little.

If there is one thing i've learned, it's that life is messy.

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insanity

i'm back home. it's raining/snowing out. i can't sleep. my thoughts are out of control and it feels like i'm being eaten from the inside out. evan tells me he falls more and more in love with me each day. i love him. simple. but i guess it's my turn to be scared. i'm scared that i'm not ready. i'm scared that he'll change his mind. i'm scared that i'm not really what he wants. i have so many insecurities that i don't share with people. i like who i am, but i always feel like i'm going to lose who means the most to me. sometimes i want to push away but i know i'd be hurt if i do. it's like... now that i have what i've always wanted in my hands, i wonder and second-guess everything about it.

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he is attached. i can see it when he looks into my eyes. i can feel it when he kisses me. when he hugs me. when he fucks me. when he walks me to the door and pulls me back to hug&kiss me goodbye. when he asks me questions about everything. when he feels the need to cuddle. i feel it and i know he's breaking the rules we made.

another sleepless night

i am to the point where i am actually physically in pain. my head hurts really bad and my neck is stiff. this happens.

today is going to be a weird day. i have a meeting wih one of my people at 10am to discuss business... and then i have orientation for school at 4pm. i can't say that i'm excited for either. i'm nervous. i'm scared. i'm just plain a wreck. i drive myself insane and it shows.

yesterday was pretty chill. probably the most chill day i've had in awhile. i woke up... did nothing. then i went back to bed til about 2pm. jake came over and i gave him a ride to 32nd. i dropped off some stuff at my cousin's. then i picked up xelia. we picked up edwin. edwin's girl popped up. we all ended up going to north island to watch underworld. that was chill. then we went to cafe europe and smoked hookah. again, chill. haha then dropped off xelia. dropped off edwin's girl at her car. then me and edwin headed to santana's and had the bombest carne asada fries ever.

this entry has no substance. my thoughts are so far gone that i can't even begin to put them into words. i'm also not typing right. i think i'll lay back down.

what it means to be me

I guess in a sense this is an introduction to something much bigger than I could ever hope. I am unconventional at best. My logic confuses those who know me. My views are contradictory. But when you look at it all from a much farther outside, I do make sense. I rarely do anything without reason.

            I’m the type of person who thinks with their heart. What could that possibly mean? Of course this is not a statement that should be translated literally. I am merely a person who acts upon emotion, intuition, and hope. Don’t take me as a naïve person, however. I’m mature and knowledgeable. There are just things in this world that I feel shouldn’t be thought too much about.

            An example that I am willing to give may clear this up a tiny bit. My closest friends are constantly telling me that I often jump into various relationships with people. That I walk into situations that could hurt me. Do I really care? No, I don’t. I believer that every person I meet contributes to my individual growth in some way, regardless of how it ends. Each time I get hurt, I learn something new about myself. I learn a little more about what I want. I learn another way to deal with a certain emotion. I even learn what went wrong and how it could possibly be avoided in the future. I see no experience as a negative experience.

            Many people would stop right there and say to themselves, “What a waste of time?” Others would even avoid the situation altogether. But avoiding a life lesson that could possibly be important hinders that person’s own personal growth. Think back to your past. Find your mistakes. Now ask yourself this: Would I really take that back if I could? If you said yes, I suggest you think about that. Without these mistakes you wouldn’t have acquired knowledge, no matter how minuscule it may seem.

            I have done many things that I’m not proud of but I wouldn’t trade any experience. I come from a divorced family. I suffered abuse. I watched my father die at the age of 18. I’ve suffered depression, and everything that comes along with it. Yet here I am, clear as day, tell you that I’m glad that is all happened to me. Without the bad, there is no good, and each and every one of us is living proof of this.

[[i am, by no means, a good writer.]]

i feel so fucked up. i don't even know where to begin. it's like everything i'm doing is a lie. i'm not going to hide this though... it feels like i'm back into my depression... but i really don't want to go back on the drugs. those are so bad for you... it's like... i was so numbed out that i just couldn't feel anymore... and i don't really know if i could do that again... but there's another part of me that tells me that i should just so all these feelings go away and i'll stop doing the things that hurt me most. on the meds, i wouldn't feel the incessant need to smoke... i wouldn't feel the incessant need to keep drinking... i wouldn't feel like i have to be with someone at all hours of the day... i'd feel like i'm just there... doing what needs to be done.

the worst part about all this is that i have to sit here and pretend like nothing's wrong or everyone who cares about me will worry. not that they aren't already worrying. they're not so happy that i'm smoking so much now... they aren't so happy that i drink more days than i don't... they aren't so happy with the random shit that i let happen just because i don't care anymore... but none of them know how bad i've gotten in the past and no one needs to know now.

tomorrow i'm supposed to be an emotional support for my friend who lost someone. the question i have for everyone is, how can i be an emotional support for someone when my own emotions aren't even under control? there's no way in hell things are right with me but i want to be there for her.

i also feel like i'm hurting someone in doing all this. i don't know. i think i'll go take surveys and act like nothing is going on.

though this is another sleepless night...

i'm nervous about going back to school. i'm nervous about trying to figure out my life. i'm nervous about getting married before the age of 21. i'm nervous about everything.

changes

i decided to go back to college...

oh great...

it is once again crunch time. i leave for a couple weeks on the second to go back home. i'm never prepared when it comes to these things. i'm not very fond of flying so i actually have to figure out how to cope with that. i also need to start my packing process. good stuff i say.

i'm trying to take a trip in may. someone is coming out to see me in june. i want to take another trip in july. talk about working on it.

most people question me but i have some kind of draw to tarot cards. well... i found one that i work really well with and that works really well with me. i'm very happy about it. it's a good investment in my eyes.

long distance relationships are tough. i just keep wishing he will come out here already. i don't like not being able to see him but he's who i want and i refuse to give him up. i don't know. i'm just waiting now.

i want to read.

no title

for those of you who read my blog, i would again like to thank you. if i don't reply to your comments, please don't take that as neglect. i actually don't know when i get comments and when i see that i have them, i don't know how to reply. so again, thank you for reading!  :)

onto what i've been doing these past few days or weeks or whatnot. 

my entries haven't really been as in depth as they used to. at one point in the past week i did a photoshoot. the pictures will be somewhere in this entry. i also drank about four out of seven days in a calendar week. not completely proud of that, but i drank again today too. been talking to evan. been relaxing. been healing. been moving on. been eliminating negative influences in my life. been empowering myself.

in this past week, i've learned not to hold on to people who don't value you. i cannot stand to be taken for granted so i decided to start eliminating ties to a person who isn't worth it. i've been having fun and living life. but here's something everyone should live by... DON'T TAKE ANYONE'S SHIT. do what you  like. do what makes you happy. and do what makes you feel the most alive. don't worry about other people, what they think, what they say. none of that matters in the end. keep the people you cherish close and never forget that no matter what shit you go through, you have friends to fall back on. 

when i drink i get a little loopy, but my thoughts have been so scattered that i'm actually amazed i even got that into words.

side note... there is a guy who i will personally knock the shit out of if he doesn't stop bothering me. there are only a SELECT few people who i can stand to talk to every single waking moment of every day... and even then, i still get tired of those select few. he should BACK OFF.

the photos...

talk about change

i dumped the zero. but the childhood best friend decided to come back into the picture. i don't know what to do about that. but he's in the navy and will be here soon.

untitled.

i'm at a point in my life where i feel nothing. i know this can be considered heartless or whatever but i'm tired and just plain done with everything that rips me apart. i don't  want to fall apart anymore because it's like this... i'm an adult. my life before this was seriously not the easiest. i can only depend on myself... and i'm broken. the only way to move forward is to heal...

PITA!

it's a pain in the ass when you realize that a person who's supposed to have the same views as you, THRIVES on everything that disgusts you. i can't stand this anymore. i can't sleep. i'm over a lot of shit. it's all getting way too old. all i ever have to say are negative things right now. it's stupid. i should be happy. completely happy and i'm being held back.