i feel so fucked up. i don't even know where to begin. it's like everything i'm doing is a lie. i'm not going to hide this though... it feels like i'm back into my depression... but i really don't want to go back on the drugs. those are so bad for you... it's like... i was so numbed out that i just couldn't feel anymore... and i don't really know if i could do that again... but there's another part of me that tells me that i should just so all these feelings go away and i'll stop doing the things that hurt me most. on the meds, i wouldn't feel the incessant need to smoke... i wouldn't feel the incessant need to keep drinking... i wouldn't feel like i have to be with someone at all hours of the day... i'd feel like i'm just there... doing what needs to be done.

the worst part about all this is that i have to sit here and pretend like nothing's wrong or everyone who cares about me will worry. not that they aren't already worrying. they're not so happy that i'm smoking so much now... they aren't so happy that i drink more days than i don't... they aren't so happy with the random shit that i let happen just because i don't care anymore... but none of them know how bad i've gotten in the past and no one needs to know now.

tomorrow i'm supposed to be an emotional support for my friend who lost someone. the question i have for everyone is, how can i be an emotional support for someone when my own emotions aren't even under control? there's no way in hell things are right with me but i want to be there for her.

i also feel like i'm hurting someone in doing all this. i don't know. i think i'll go take surveys and act like nothing is going on.

though this is another sleepless night...