burn out

i'm exausted. very very exhausted. not that i'm really doing anything important but i'm burned the fuck out. i poured my heart and soul into a lot last semester and i don't think i'm the same as when i went into all this. i'm shaken up. i'm stressed. i'm pissed. i'm content. i'm happy. i'm lazy. i'm lethargic. i'm tired. i really don't want to do anything right now. i want a break. a big break. it's so hard to explain how i feel right now because i feel so much, but then i feel so little. the worst part is that no one can tell. i don't talk about it. i don't lead on that something's wrong. it's business as usual whether i'm fit for it or not. i guess i'll just work til i get to where i need to be. i don't have much of a choice.

i went to shelter island today. my place. i love it. i sat and read my book about drugs and looked at the ocean and watched the sun slowly set. shelter island is the one thing i will miss about San Diego. watching the navy ships pull into port. seeing the people walking near the water. watching guys fish off the pier. just having me time to think in a place that i feel safe and comfortable. no one can judge me there, and my problems melt away so easily there. if i could share it with the people i care about most and have them feel the same thing, that would be cool... but no one really gets it. it's not their place. it's mine. i'm ranting. i'm not completely making sense. but this is how my brain has been all day... all week... all month... basically since i got back from Nebraska. 

i'm running on no sleep. i feel like i could keep going for hours and hours and hours and never have to crash. on the other hand, i feel the lack of strength. the lack of enthusiasm. the inability to tolerate the things i'm usually okay with. so much... i don't even really want to sing. yeah... that's how fucked i am right now. hah. 

leave me to my caffeine and country music...