25 things about me that everyone should know

on facebook, there is this game of tag going on. if you are tagged you must write 25 facts about yourself and then tag 25 people. well... i've been tagged quite a few times on facebook and i would just like to get this out of the way.

the following are things that could possibly disturb or cause people to worry about me. but if you don't know about them, how can you possibly know me?

1- in high school, i was beyond emotionally unstable. i used to self mutilate in anyway i could. i took a bottle of pain killers to try to cause liver failure. i was reckless because i didn't care if i lived anymore. and... i still have the scars on my left arm to prove it.

2- my dad died in october. it's been close to three months now. last night was the first time i actually cried. and just crying made me feel like a failure. i miss him more and more each day but i would rather keep pretending he's alive and just spending time back home than to EVER let the truth sink in.

3- i used to have hopes and dreams. never in my wildest imagination did i ever think my dad would miss out on them. i always wanted him to see me get my MD. i always wanted him to walk me down the aisle. i always wanted him to see me have children. all the normal things. and now that he cannot see these things, i feel incomplete. i also miss how he used to scare the living crap outta my boyfriends. and now that i have one i feel kinda sad that my dad couldn't have met him.

4- if you haven't noticed it yet, i'm daddy's little girl. always have been and always will be. till the end.

5- i have a strange obsession with books about vampires, romance, teen pregnancy, and drug abuse.

6- i don't believe in myself. i always make plans and look like i know what i'm doing, but on the inside, i'm so unsure of myself that sometimes i can't sleep because i worry about it too much. this cannot be fixed.

7- nothing personal to either sides of my family. i don't feel like i fit into my mom's or dad's side of the family. i love them all to death but i feel so isolated that i can't even explain it. i'm exiled, singled out, and scrutinized constantly by my mother's family. i feel like i'm missing something when i'm with my father's family.

8- i care WAY too much about my friends. i try not to show how much i worry about any of them, but i can't help but think about them and such when stuff is going on.

9- i love children. love them. i don't care what age they are, i love them. i want a couple one day. a boy and a girl. but i'm so scared that i won't be a good mother because i might do to them what my mom did to me.

10- there are parts of my life that i seriously despise and would never even dream of sharing with the world.

11- even if something is going terribly wrong with me, i suck it up and tell no one.

12- even when it feels like i've hit rock bottom, i still put others before myself.

13- i'm catholic. i devotedly believe in god. when i'm alone, i constantly beg god for help. 

14- i will forever hate the guy who took my virginity. 

15- if i feel like there is something there between me and a guy, and i see potential with them, i fall very very fast. it's a weakness and a downfall.

16- if i get married, i want to be assured that i will never be divorced from that person. i want to marry them because i love them and they love me, not because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

17- i do not have an addictive personality. there are very few things that i become completely reliant on.

18- i would do anything to find the kind of guy that my dad wanted for me. a guy that would treat me right. massage my shoulders when i'm stressed. cook dinner when i've had a long day. opens the door for me. offers to pay for me. gives me his jacket when i'm cold. becomes my best friend. treats me right. a gentleman.

19- i like strawberry milkshakes.

20- anything with more than four legs scares me. it's an irrational fear, but i actually do have panic attacks when i see a bug.

21- i want to be a surgeon and NO ONE can tell me otherwise.

22- i would kill to go back in time and not be such a dumbass to my parents.

23- i have been to about 14 of the 50 states, and i honestly want to go to them all. but i will always consider nebraksa home.

24- my favorite kind of dog is a rottweiler. if anyone got me one, i swear to gawd i would be in love with them forever.

25- i had my heart shattered to pieces, and i haven't been the same since.

these are a couple of things about me. i tried to keep it from getting personal because no one deserves to know everything about anyone. but get to know me and earn my trust... you would learn more than you bargained for.