self realization

a lot of times in life, you could spend so much time seeing one person but you never actually realize the potential you have in knowing them. i guess i say this because i think back to all the people i didn't take the time to get to know because i was so trapped in my own world.

tonight i sit here feeling a void in myself because i can't help but to feel like something is, again, missing and that i'm empty. but i couldn't help but look into someone's eyes and realize that i actually feel something for them that is hard for me to place because it doesn't typically occur in my life. it doesn't fall into the categories of need, want, or lust... but more into the categories of special, trust, and value. now i realize that this may not make sense because this is me basically writing out my thoughts, but i'm actually afraid of my ability to feel right now. i feel like the two year plan i have just written could be compromised... going back home has never felt like more of a hesitation. don't get me wrong. i want to go back more than life itself but i find it difficult to tell myself that i'm ready.

i spent the day feeling lonely and incomplete. no people interaction until late in the night when the guy i'm dating came over. this also scares me a little. attention is NOT my friend. i prefer to avoid it. to not be in the spotlight. i'm so used to just being on my own and doing my own thing, that the current need for attention and loving and warm frightens me to bits. i couldn't believe myself today. i couldn't believe that i actually felt like i needed to have someone around me. but i basically had no one. no phone calls. no texts. no family to spend time with. it's all weird in my eyes. i grew up with a lonely childhood and because of that i'm probably emotionally and affectionately retarded, but it feels normal to me. everyone else grew up with someone, anyone, wanting to be a part of their lives while i lived trying to find people who wanted anything to do with me. i don't know what to say about all this.

it's late and i have class in five hours. i can't bring myself to want to sleep because i know that in the efforts of trying to sleep, i will end up over thinking... over analyzing... praying... hoping... pleaing for something to happen... anything that would just bring substance into my life... not because my life is boring and uneventful and empty... but because i feel like i'm not completing anything in my life. because i feel like nothing i do is ever good enough no matter how hard i try. because i'm afraid to let people in and see who i really am for fear of getting hurt or rejected. because i don't want to mess up. because i have to succeed. because i won't feel complete until something makes a drastic change.