philosophical thinking

THIS is the beginning of the rest of my life. i'm scared. life is all about what you can do for yourself and how far you can get on your own. there's really no one who can help you make the best of yourself because it's all about YOU. i'll for once talk about how alone i feel in the decisions i'm making.

when i was younger my dad used to count the days til i turned 18 so we could "go back home". i was all for it, even if i said i wasn't. i'm tired of this place. people told him that he should understand if i didn't want to go because san diego is primarily all i know. well... i'm 18. my dad is gone... and i'm still following our plan. but this time around, i'm doing it on my own. i see where my mistakes are but i don't think i'm ready to fix them.

the irony about me... my dad died of lung cancer. i smoke hookah habitually and i smoke cigarettes on occasion. i do it not because i'm addicted (because i honestly don't like it that much) but when i first started, i knew my dad wasn't going to be alive for much longer. i could see the glow in his eyes slowly fading. i'm daddy's little girl and i was willing to do anything i could to meet up with him sooner and get back all the times that we used to have, even if through some of em i was a little piece of crap. but i couldn't commit suicide because i already tried that once before in my life and i REALLY didn't want people to think i had given up. the only thing left was acceleration. but now i'm stuck.

i'm not exactly ready to die yet. i want to go back to nebraska and build my life. i see potential in where i'm going in life and i want to progress it. there's a guy i want to see if things work out with. there's a career i want to strive in. there's family i want to take care of. and there's friends that i want to show the world to. 

we only try i guess...