what do i want?

what do i want out of life?
to be honest, i don't think i could answer that question right now.
i could say the typical things like
family, house, career...
but other than that, what else is there?

i want to go back home. i want to be around my relatives. i want to be able to cut people open... yes, a surgeon... or is that even what i want to do? in reality, it probably isn't. i want to find something that isn't going to sit there and tire me. but at this point, even the thought of school exhausts me. it is, once again, that time where i just need a break. yes, i've been needing a lot of these lately but at this point, i don't see why i can't have these breaks. i know i'll probably never be able to take this many breaks again... to be honest, i don't even know if i can take a break right now. i can't go back home right now... well i can... money not being the issue... but i have to think about someone else.

my significant other is living with me and i have to keep in mind that i can't leave home on a limb anymore. it was slightly easier when the only person i was accountable for was myself. now, not so much.

at times it feels like i'm taking on more than i can handle. i won't lie... i think i am. i think i'm rushing into growing up. i think i'm getting to a pount where i don't think i can do anything right anymore. but how often do i get this feeling? maybe i just miss my dad. i honestly think that's what is wrong since i broke down today.

things are again, different. i'm at a low point of my life right now. things are going but they aren't going at the same time.

paul is in bahrain... yes... he's gone for awhile. at this point i have no clue where we stand, but i give him till the end of july.

mikey is COMPLETELY gone. thank god. i couldn't deal with him anymore. this was a personal thing.

my own life hasn't been much to talk about. i'm still me. i still do my usual things. i'm getting to know people and keeping in contact with people. right now, i just really need a job. REALLY. not that the band promoting isn't a job but i need something that's going to pay regularly. right now, i don't have that.

for the past month, i have been crazy busy... i don't even know where to begin how to detail the changes that have occurred in my life. i know this seems repetitive but life is a fluid changing thing, so it makes sense that i constantly go through changes.

in the past month, i chose to let go of someone and start letting go of someone else. i found love. real love. not puppy love. i found love in a way that i least expected and i've come to realize that it's one of the most amazing things that's ever happened to me. i'm a band promoter. i don't smoke ALL the time anymore. i plan a little more but i think a little less. i've come to terms with the fact that things always happen regardless and you have to learn that you can't control it. the simplest things make me happy again. and finally, i drink jack daniels like no other. not an alcoholic or anything, but jack daniels is my drink of choice.

i feel like explaining EVERYTHING now in detail! haha.

as far as the not smoking all the time thing... i've kinda started to smoke maybe once a day or once every other day... as a means to not want to do it anymore. i'm going to keep smoking hookah though. that's a given.

i absolutely love drinking jack daniels. it gets me buzzing REALLY fast and it makes me happy... but hysterical at the same time.

i let go of evan completely. no communication. no chances. nothing. he's completely gone unless i have to see him when i visit kelly and jill. he was absolutely bent on marrying me and to be honest... he wasn't the one for me... the childhood best friends fantasy ending type deal may have seemed glamorous in the beginning but when push came to shove, i realized ALL of his flaws and how i couldn't stand to put up with them.

i'm slowly going to let go of mikey... mostly because if i keep talking to him, not that i don't like him or anything, but if i keep talking to him it may complicate what i have going for me. and what i have going for me is EXACTLY what i want and exactly what i've been looking for this whole time. i honestly don't want anything to get in the way of that.

love... oh love... geez... i never thought i would genuinely say that i was in love with a person. i never thought i would actually find the person who made me want to be with them and only them for as long as i possibly could. but i found the one person i can't get off my mind. the guy who ALWAYS puts a smile on my face even if i'm arguing with him. the guy who i'm willing to give up all the negatives about me for, though he would never ask it of me. yup... i love him.

anywayyyy... so i HAVE to write about this because it makes me laugh... and i realized this tonight as paul and i were walking around downtown. we aren't a normal couple. okay yes, we kinda are cuz we love each other and we spend time together and we hang out and such, but i mean like... we seriously are weird. so i'm going to admit that in all my other relationships, i've had serious fights with my exes within the span of a month or two weeks... usually because one of us or both of us isn't getting what we want. paul and i seriously don't really fight about anything. hell... our arguments that we actually take seriously, aren't even serious! our first fight or argument or whatever you want to call is was about whether or not this one basketball player looked like a caveman. i was dead set on the fact that he did. paul didn't agree. so we argued about that for about 15 minutes. that was our first serious argument. tonight was our second one... i actually don't even remember what the argument was about cuz i ended up laughing about it right afterwards... but i think it had to do with me trying to tell paul that he was drunk and he didn't believe it. so i made him try to walk a straight line and he couldn't... then i tickled him and he spun in a crazy circle. both i used as proof... then i don't know... i got distracted afterwards. crazy right?

anyway... i'm actually rather tired and i'm thinking of sleeping now... i'll get 6 hours of sleep.

just a few more days...

it is officially day one... i can make it... but i don't like it if that makes any sense...

that pack of cigarettes in my car will be gone by the 18th. i already know it.

so i've got things going on for me again. i'm on the deaf zero promo team and i'm working to help them out. i've gotta make a couple posters and sell some tickets as soon as i get them. when all that is done, i'll basically be set. right now, this and him are my life. haha crazy i know. of course my most important basics (friends, family, food) are all included in my life. those NEVER get dropped. but anyway... i'm thinking of applying to the hot topic at the mall by my house mostly because it's like... i can work with funky colored hair, have my tattoo showing, and not have to take out my piercings... this is ultimately what i'm aiming for as a side job. hopefully it works out. but i have to print out the application and turn it in in person. ugh... the horrors of not having a printer.

i need sleep now though. giving someone a ride in the morning.

my hair is now purple. tomorrow is going to be semi uneventful with the exception of my business meeting... i have paul's shirt because he leaves the day after tomorrow for two weeks... and he has duty all day tomorrow. how lame. but it happens. i'm tired now. i was going to blog more but i have NO energy.

alright so i'm getting kinda bad at this blogging everyday thing... but sometimes i just get home and i have so many other things on my mind.

i don't quite remember where i left off in my life but i'm going to put in my changes... the guy i mentioned earlier in this blog... about two entries ago... the navy guy... well... he is now my boyfriend. yeah, i know, i move quite quickly. we've been dating for like a week now? something like that. no idea. but yeah... there's that.

we're supposed to be spending time together and stuff but i don't know where.

yesterday i had a me-day. paul was on duty all day so i hung out with aya. we went to best buy, saw mikey, and i checked out some stuff for work. yay! then we went to MCRD and sat on my bench... went to shelter island... then went and picked up edwin from work where we proceeded to eat burritos from rancho's. good burritos. yeah... then edwin wanted to go to plaza bonita... that was amusing. idk. i'm actually really tired... i'm currently in the process of turning my hair purple... i think it'll be weird... oh well...